10 things that works for my love story
My love story began years ago… since I was about 15 years old… but that story will be shared at another time. Fast forward to today… Huy, the love of my life, and I are about to celebrate our 15 year anniversary (being together).. For some, that's not many years… for LA… that's a lifetime.. LOL. We love each other so much that it hurts…and as we continue to grow older, our life together becomes easier and we become even better friends.
We have a lot of friends that ask us how we do it and in all honesty, I don’t believe in a formula or a spell to make a relationship work. I think every relationship works differently and has different dynamics as well. We have counseled a lot of friends that are couples that were and are on the verge of divorce or breakup. One thing we always state is to NEVER compare your relationship with another. Again, it is all different. Since we are about to celebrate our 15 year, I figured it would be great to share with you the 10 things that worked for us. Feel free to ask me later if you have any questions! I’m always here for you!
Respect
Love
Trust
Sex
Patience
Communication - as in talking not texting
Space
Giving
Laughing
Protection
Respect.
Respect can mean so many things. As you continue to see the other aspects of our relationship… its all forms of respect. For many, it's the simple fact of admiring someone. For Huy and I, it means accepting each other for who we are. That means, our background, our upbringing, our families, our opinions about literally anything (politics, religion, cultures, etc) and all of the above. We never fight over whose views are better or right, we accept each other.
There are days that one of us is a bit more passionate about a topic (usually it’s me) and sometimes I want Huy to be just as passionate about the same issue, but he isn’t. I had to work on “respecting” him for his views and accept the fact that that’s just who he is…. And there is nothing wrong with it.
Love.
Love can also mean many things. The start of my relationship with Huy, there was a lot of excitement, electricity, the butterflies in your stomach… but we soon learned that it's just a shade of what love is. And sadly, to some of our friends that have gone through breakups and divorce, it’s what they were chasing after. Love, between Huy and I means, sacrificing oneself for the other person. Sacrificing doesn't mean anything crazy… it is just the simple fact Huy and I would sacrifice our time and money for the good of the other person.
An example, when I first moved to Los Angeles, a lot of my friends would visit me in many weekends and it would spill over into a weekday. Because I just started a new job, I wasn’t able to get certain time off to hang or even take my friends to the airport. Keep in mind, this is all before Uber or Lyft exist. But before there was Uber, there was Huy. He would sacrifice his time and day to take my friends out, pick them up and drop them off at the airport.
Also, keep in mind, its Los Angeles... traffic is a bitch. The simple fact that he took care of my friends was true love. My friends are some of the biggest treasures in my life. He wanted to show love by taking care of my friends.
Love doesn’t always look pretty either. Even when Huy was injured or when I had surgery, we took care of one another, helped each other shower and bath, or even wiped each others ass. It’s not pretty, but to us… it was love.
Trust
To us, trust starts with dealing with ANY sort of insecurities that each other may have. If Huy or myself had any insecurities, it was always important for us to deal with it first hand and learn how to move on. Typically, if Huy and I felt any sort of insecurity, it's typically when we feel like we are lacking something. As the female in the relationship, it's easy to compare myself to his exes or other women. I’ve learned that it’s not about how much money I make or what I lack in my looks… it's what I can offer to the relationship. Do I make Huy feel loved, supported, valued, happy? The moment I changed my perspective on my insecurities, the more trust that I have in myself and in him.
Sex
Oh man…. The topic that many love to read about and yet don’t talk enough about. You want to hear the truth? Huy and I have a lot of sex. The beginning months and years of our relationship… you can imagine.. There was a lot of it. But as our relationship grew and the busier our lives got…. Our sex life went from 3 times a day, to twice a week. There were weeks that we would have sex once a week or every other week, I felt like there was something wrong with us.
To other couples, this might not be an issue, but to Huy and I… we knew sex was important. We have to make each other a priority even on the days that we are busy. He usually likes it in the morning and I typically like it at night. So now, we compromised to have sex after 5pm. LOL. Even after 15 years, sex can easily get dull and become a routine, and Huy and I typically change things up. For those that really know me.. Here’s one word… BATMAN. For those that don’t know… you can ask me and I’ll tell you what Batman is all about or maybe you don’t… well that’s up to you. LOL.
Patience
I have to say… patience is by far the hardest characteristic to gain in my relationship with Huy. Ohhh my God, it was so hard to be patient. Huy and I don’t argue or fight often but when we do, I usually lack patience. There’s a scripture in the Bible Ephesians 4:26 that quotes “do not let the sun go down on your anger.” I’ve always interpret that as… ‘deal with your shit before going to bed.`` And so, I would always try to resolve our fights before the end of the night. Huy is the complete opposite, where he needed some time to cool off or think through before he wanted to discuss anything with me.
One time, he was so upset that he didn’t talk to me for a whole week (which isn’t healthy either) and I was banging on his door to talk things out. Luckily, we learned a lot about each other and Huy evolved from one week to one day and I learned to wait on him and to give him the space that he needs to think and process. Patience is still something that we both learn on a daily basis.
Communication… NOT TEXTING
When it comes to communication, I have to give credit to Huy when it comes to communicating. Communication can mean so many things these days. WIth the technology that we have today, there are so many ways to talk to each other. The healthiness of our relationship does not involve any type of technology. It involves US talking to each other IN PERSON. When Huy and I need to discuss anything, whether it’s good, bad or the ugly… we TALK to each other.
We NEVER go on a rant via text, email, or phone call. We have a discussion face to face. It's the best way for us to tell each other how we feel or what is bothering us, and also it's FAIR to one another and to allow each other to respond WITH emotions. It’s convenient to text.. I get it… but it can easily destroy so much in a relationship.
Space
A lot of our friends admire us for many reasons and one of them is the fact that we give each other space. How do we do it, you may ask? Huy and I each week have a day where we spend it with our friends. Huy is part of a softball and basketball league. Keep in mind, his softball leagues also have females. Some of his friends would bring their girlfriends to join. Huy has asked me to join, but I wanted that day to be his.
I wanted him to have his own space with his guy friends… and for me to have my time with my girlfriends. It’s incredibly important to both of us that we have the space that we need and some time apart.. Whether it’s a few hours or a full day. That time apart creates us to look forward to seeing one another again. It has made our relationship that much stronger and healthier.
Giving
Huy and I are equally giving people. We are not stingy in any way. We love giving to others and to each other. I asked Huy a while ago why he is so giving and we came up with the exact reason… It inspires others to give and it makes us happy. We both give in all sorts of ways, whether it's our time or money. But giving to us is always better than receiving.
Laughing
You can ask many of our close friends…. We laugh a lot. One time, I asked Huy.. “Baby, when you think of me… what do you think about?” I was expecting him to say something about how I make him feel or how he thinks I’m beautiful…. No. His response… “I try to come up with something to make you laugh.” My reaction to that wasn’t the greatest, because it wasn’t romantic… but the more I thought about it… it honestly is the sweetest thing. If I’m having a bad day, his goal is to always make me laugh. We laugh a lot and I think it’s one of the many great aspects that makes our relationship so great.
Protection
People usually give me the “huh?” look when I mention protection. I’m not talking about guns or Huy trying to protect me, I am talking about protecting MY relationship from other people. Let me explain. When I first started dating Huy, I kept my relationship very quiet, because I knew so many of my friends would have all sorts of opinions. I don’t need 100 opinions about my relationship. I entrust my love life with only a few of my closest friends. I never share my fights and disagreements with the world. I protect it.
One of my friends who is now divorce told me that her biggest mistake was sharing her relationship with everyone. And it was the opinions of others that truly destroyed her marriage. She told me, “Karen, whatever you do, always protect your relationship.” I’m so glad I took that advice.